Monday, June 21, 2010

Bad Moods, Good Drinks and Starting a Bucket List

I'm in a bad mood tonight. We're working on moving and as my good friend said I needed to get out of my apartment because I need something I can be proud of. This is such a true statement I almost died. I can't remember the last time I was proud of something that I did and I brought through. It's been all about my kids learning new things and my husband's success at work. Which is NOT a bad thing, not in the least I love my husband and kids more than anything. But I've been out of my parent's house for almost 4 years now and I have no "accomplishments" of my own to show for it. We're so crammed in our apartment that no matter how much I clean it doesn't actually look clean and that depresses me which gets me into a bad state of mind. Which gets me thinking about things....

I have several people I feel that I am good friends with but have no idea where I stand in their eyes. I don't know how to approach them about it. I feel as if I try and try and try to include them in my life and they can never show up. I try to show up to as much of their stuff as I can barring work and kids and stuff but I never seem to be invited to stuff I actually can or would make a point to attend. When I do talk to them it's because they've found out something big is going on with my life and I get stressed and I feel like I'm just bitching to them and I don't find that fair. So if you're reading this and you've figured out who you are please tell me what our relationship is to you because I am so confused and I've smugged the line so much I'm not sure where it started anymore...

Then I was cruising around facebook one day being bored( bad idea just fyi) and found a bunch of people from my high school who have done way cool things since graduating that I've never even thought about doing. Hence the starting a bucket list. Now I'm sure most of it is because I have a family that I attend to and they didn't. I've had all the same opportunities as these kids just used them is different ways. I don't regret at all having a family but I am a dreamer and my mind does wander. I really wish it didn't sometimes.

I wish I could write down everything I'm feeling but I'm such a mess right now I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. I look at people, observe them, and I wonder when they smile is it real? is it forced? or is it completely fake? I try not to fake anything and if you know me well enough  you know that. I wear my emotions on my sleeve which makes it hard. I feel like erupting in tears and I don't know why. I want to sleep all the time and I don't know why. Maybe not having the "college experience" and normal teenage life is finally catching up to me. I wanna just yell and scream and get everything from forever out. I want to be able to cry in my daddy's arms again and not be seen as the teenage mom or whatever other stereotypes people plug on me.

I am a 21 year old wife and mother of two. I am a music enthusiast, a theatre aficionado, a knitting dork and deep lover of people. I love without caution. I don't think my poor husband knows what to make of this yet. It makes being a friend of mine hard. I'm not a cleancut Stepford wife or perfect daughter or perfect mother. I have fat on my body( that my husband won't admit to), I lose my temper, sometimes I cry myself to sleep when its been a hard day, I have self confidence issues, I clean to take my mind off things.

I really think and hope that getting a bigger home for our family will help me get out of this funk. I don't like feeling confined and in this apartment that is how I feel. I can't go out as the car doesn't have working AC and staying in depresses me. My home is a mess and I have nothing I can do about it. I try so hard to help my husband but feel like my efforts are futile. I don't earn enough to make much of a difference, I clean endlessly and you can't tell. I am so lucky to have such good friends in my neighbors and I really don't know what I would do with out them. Hmmm I think I'm done now, I feel a bit better. I'm sorry for ranting and I will post my Bucket List when I have a good start on it...

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